What Adsense (NOT Adwords) Can Do For Your Website's Traffic

There are very many strategies that will help you unleash floods of targeted traffic to your website. Some are so popular and highly effective. Some are very popular but not so effective. Some yet, are very effective but relatively underutilized. Google's Adsense happens to be one of such effective but underutilized ones...

Now, I am not talking about buying Adwords. Yes, Adsense is really Adwords that you place on your site for commission. That's the one I am talking about here. The one you get paid for placing on your site. Listen up because you are not going to see many people who'll tell you this. I even discovered it by accident.

If you place Google's Adsense on your site you shorten the time it takes for a new site to get indexed. I know Google claims that it does not give any advantage to sites that have Adsense on their pages. However, we know that a few people have reported being "penalized" by Yahoo in their rankings when they placed Google's Adsense on their sites.

And, doesn't it make sense that a company will not just hand over opportunities for a competitor to take away its revenue? Doesn't it make sense that they should take care of sites that bring in part of their revenue? Now, I am not saying they are lying. I am only saying that although they may not go all out to give you advantage over those who don't promote their product, they'll certainly not put you at a disadvantage. Here's why...

For a new publisher to be admitted into Adsense, your site has to be reviewed. Google will only accept you if it thinks you have good content, navigation and a few other things. For you to be accepted you must build good content and make sure your site is all it should be.

This makes Google send a bot or a human reviewer or both. And that does something for you: It tells Google about a site that must belong to its database. It also guarantees that you do not have the many red flags that new sites often have raised against them.

Now for this traffic strategy to work, you must apply for a new Adsense account with the site in question even if you already have 50 accounts. Remember, the point is to get Mother Google to see what a great job you're doing at your end. She does reward those who prove they are doing great jobs with oodles of traffic. And I guess that's what you want too.

If you'll like to learn how to do this and more, join this group I am currently showing how anyone can get 100,000 high quality visitors monthly within a year.

Subscribe to my newsletter and learn how to get massive traffic (100,000 visitors monthly within 12 months)

Chimezirim Odimba writes to help hardworking folks succeed online.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Chimezirim_Chinecherem_Odimba

Get Paid to blog on your own Blog !! $20 for your First Post !!!    

How Do I Increase AdSense Income ?

One word, “experimentation”. The only way to increase adsense income is to fiddle with your template. Basically, what you need to do is see what your currently earning and tweak everything on your blog. There is a little more than that, but this is what will increase your income when everything else is in place. If this is a little cryptic, I will try and clear everything up. I will give you the answers to a few questions you should be answering yourself.

How much content do you have?

This is a major problem with many adsense income sites I see. Many people think they can create a site and make money. Many bloggers go into this state of mind that they can make money from a handful of pages on there site. News Flash: You will never make any real money with a handful of articles on your site. If you landed on a site for some kind of info your researching, you will be turned off by the fact that you’ve read all the pages in 5 minutes.

Remember, many people on the internet scan so 10 pages of content can be read in 20 minutes and shorter for most. This leads me to the point I want to make about return visitors. These visitors that come back again and again, are the basis of all income. They love to read content and they like it to be updated. If you write more content and increase the number of pages on your site, you will increase traffic and revenue. This goes beyond traffic because you will be creating an authority site that will give you a more legitimate look. Since many people are afraid of links leading to viruses, this will ease them into trusting you and the adsense on your site.

What is the quality of your content?

This continues from the amount of content on your site. If your site has low quality content, you will have the “x” clicked on your visitors internet explorer. If you have content that is of low quality, contains bad grammar, and incorrect information, you will lose the trust of your readers and lose money. People will not take the chance to click on links on a site they think is suspicious.

Who is your audience?

This is another problem people don’t realize. I’ll give you an example of this problem because you have probably seen this before. My partner/brother, created a blog about, “brain theory”. He is not a professional blogger and he has no SEO or keyword research skills but he still wanted to create it and hope for an audience. Needless to say, he had many problems but still got a little traffic. This traffic was not converting. Now, I understand that a few visitors will not give you any money but he was not getting any money at all. When he investigated his ads, they where so off topic, they wouldn’t get any clicks ever! Some of the links were for blogging because his title had the word blog in it since his site was a blog. It was just a description but it affected almost all the ads.

To fix this problem there are a few things that can be done. First, you can fix the words you write. Make sure ONLY the main key words you want in your ads are in your title tags. This will help when google bot scans your content for relevancy. To go one step further, you can add tags in your template that will direct the bots to the content you want them to scan. This way, you can close your body content in these tags which will change the ads by only focusing the bots on your keyword rich (and correct) content.

George Christodoulou

If you are still asking youself, "how do I increase my adsense income",  please visit  http://www.internetbusiness-tips.com for more info and tips to help increase your sites adsense income.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=George_Christodoulou

   

Success On AdSense - 5 Quick Tips

As you use Google's AdSense for more and more time you begin to learn from the mistakes of the past, and you slowly begin to realize which of your actions kept your site from reaching its full potential.

But an important part to making a mistake is telling people about it and teaching them how to avoid making the same mistake. So this is a list of the top five mistakes people using AdSense make.

You should read them well, and see if any of them is applicable to your contents. If it is, you must stop and attempt to fix such errors as quickly as possible.

The first major no-no that everyone seems to be hitting at one point or another has to do with breaking the rules. Google's AdSense is a great program but it relies on you respecting a few set rules.

The most important thing is not to create "artificial clicks" through any means possible. Never click your own links, never ask your friends or close ones to click the links and never, by any means have your content encouraging the visitors to click the links. You run the risk of being permanently banned, and that will definitely damage your revenue.

Failing to comply with Google's terms could have your AdSense account suspended. And this is why this rule is by all means the most important one of all. It's because this is the difference between life or death.

The second thing users get wrong a lot of time is having a bad color palette for ads. Many times this happens because the publishers aren't knowledgeable enough to change default color palettes.

Others just can't seem to spend enough time in changing those defaults. Having bad ads that stand out is sure to push people away from clicking; whilst having something which is clearly visible yet distinctive will.

Third, of course, the position of the ads is probably the key element you should get right if you want to maximize your profits with AdSense. This is noted in a lot of places on the web and Google talks about this as well. Google can provide you with statistics which illustrate what positions work particularly well on your website.

Fourthly, banner ads are also a very bad idea if you're using AdSense. 480x60 type ads are a sure way to drive many people away as most Internet surfers have developed a natural resistance to such means of advertising.

And last, but clearly not least, is not taking care of the site running the ads. Because ultimately it doesn't matter how cool the site is itself. If it doesn't have updated contents and a lot of daily visitors it will probably never earn you any serious AdSense revenues.

So these are the most important five things people get wrong while using the AdSense program. But of course if you don't like this means of expressing the issues, here are the top five things you should do to ensure your AdSense ads are constantly bringing in that revenue.

Never break Google's policy. Don't make visitors create "artificial clicks" on your website regardless of the person doing so or the reason. Make sure your ads have the right colors that blend in with your site, and make sure they're positioned in the right places to attract as many customers as possible. Always try to avoid using banner-like (480x60) adds unless you really know what you're doing and constantly keep your site fresh and up to date.

So with that in mind you should be raising your AdSense revenues in no time.

Kenneth L Myers writes and contributes artilces about adsense and how to succeed with adsense websites. For more information, articles, tips, and information about adsense go to: http://affiliate-portal.com/index.php?pagedb=adsense

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Kenneth_Myers

   

AdSense Referrals Payment Changes are Official - there’s a $2000 Bonus!

Now with the Google AdSense Referral Program,  my dear  readers you can  earn a $2000 bonus for referring 25 publishers who earn over $100 within a 180 day period.

Adsense_9

Here I quote for ready reference the official Google AdSense Referral Program news released by the Google AdSense Blog:

Quote:
New pricing structure for referrals
Last year we asked you for your feedback on referrals, and one of the issues we heard quite frequently was that it was too difficult to generate revenue with AdSense and AdWords referrals. To address this, we’ve just introduced a new pricing structure for both programs, which will be as follows:

AdSense Referrals:

* When a publisher who signed up for Google AdSense through your referral earns their first $5 within 180 days of sign-up, you will be credited with $5.
* When that same publisher earns $100 within 180 days of sign-up and is eligible for payment, you will be credited with an additional $250.
* If, in any 180-day period, you refer 25 publishers who each earn more than $100 within 180 days of their respective sign-ups and are all eligible for payout, you will be awarded a $2,000 bonus (bonus payouts are limited to 1 per year).

AdWords Referrals:

* When an advertiser you refer spends $5 within 90 days of sign-up (in addition to the $5 sign-up fee) you will be credited with $5.
* When that same advertiser spends $100 within 90 days of sign-up, you will be credited with an additional $40.
* If, in any 180 day period, you refer 20 advertisers who each spend more than $100 within 90 days of their respective sign-ups, you will be awarded a $600 bonus (bonus payments are limited to 1 per year).

These rules will also apply to users that you have already referred but who have not yet reached one of the new earning/spend thresholds. For example, if you referred an AdSense publisher who has currently earned $2.00, you will be paid $5.00 if that publisher reaches the $5.00 mark. But, if you have referred an AdSense publisher who has already earned $10.00, you will not be paid $5.00 retroactively for that referral reaching the $5.00 mark. However, should that publisher eventually reach the $100.00 earnings mark within 180 days, you will be paid $250.00.

Finally, please keep in mind that publishers may not click on their own referral ads and will not be paid for referring themselves for any product. For more information about referrals, please visit our Help Center.

Unquote

   

The Simple Way To Increase Your Adsense Earnings

There are many people who are attempting to make a quick buck via Google adsense. Some start off thinking that it is going to be easy but soon realise that this is just not the case. I have a number of websites and also had the dream of making vast sums of money out of the program. To start with progress was very slow but I eventually learned the secrets of how to succeed.

A few years ago I was having a chat with a good friend of mine, I would class this person as an SEO expert and on this day he gave me some valuable advice. He stated that the most important part of any website is its content and that this content needs to be unique. Other webmasters are likely to link to your site if the content is of value to his/her readers.

A mistake that I had therefore made was to have used content from other people instead of writing my own, this of course was pure laziness on my part.

My friend continued by stating that I should add content/pages to my websites each month to keep them fresh. Every couple of years each site should have what he called a makeover, I would call it a web-redesign. This again is to keep the site looking fresh and to help avoid it from going stale in the eyes of the search engines.

To promote the site you are able to write articles like the one you are reading here. He advised not to write too many in one go as this can potentially build up the number of your backward links pointing to your site too quickly. I now aim to write seven articles per week.

He also suggested that using adwords can have a positive impact when used correctly.

I have taken my friends advice on board and have done very nicely ever since.

Stephen Hill helps to promote a number of websites including:

stuttering

stutter

help for people who stutter

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Steve_Hill

   

How Can You Make $500 Overnight With Google Adsense

Internet Marketing is no longer a mere buying and selling business. There have been constant changes happening in the Internet world and more and more ways to earn money are coming up. Google Adsense is one of its kinds and is today considered as the best source to make your living on the web.

I want to dedicate this article especially for all those who are new to Google Adsense and those who dare to believe that they can make $500 each day and even more. Before giving you some useful tips that can help you grow your adsense earnings I would like to share with you my success story.

I started on as a Search Engine Optimizer and was placed in a very reputable firm. I made nearly $500 with my job every month. One fine day I decided to do something additional apart from my daily routine job. I made a website, placed some google adsense, used some adsnese tricks and here I am making $500 everyday today. From earning $500 every month to $500 every day what better can I ask from Google? Now that I am well versed with search engines I want to share my knowledge and my services to all you guys. You can avail service for SEO assistance or Google Adsense at my website www.webcontentwriters.com

Just a quick wrapping with useful tips that helped me earn thousand $$$ in minutes.

Color the code of your Google ad to match your website palette. Never use frames around the table. It would be advisable to use color of your page background to match your ad frame and ad background. Avoid using the horizontal banner 468X60 by all means. People often over look such banners so its better not using them. It is not a very good idea to put Google Adsense on empty pages. If you have good content the Google ads will reflect the related keywords ad thereby giving you more earnings on every click.

Isabel is the author of this article on Seo Content Writer. He has been a professional writer and currently handles an SEO Firm. Find more informatoin about his website at http://www.seocontentwriters.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Isabel_Rodrigues

   

Adsense and Real Estate Web Sites; Diversified Income

Adsense is considered to be one of the most powerful tools in a website publisher's arsenal. Create an Adsense Account today and watch your profits soar.

As a Realtor, it enables you to monetize you real estate agent web site, and when done properly you can generate a considerable amount of money from it. Google has lots of FREE Tutorials that'll teach you how to maximize income generated on your site.

Does Google Adsense Offer Direct Deposit?

Yes! Electronic Funds Transfer (ETF) is offered in 16 countries whereby your payments are deposited directly into your bank account in your local currency.

Check Google Adsense support to see which countries participate in this option. You will need to sign up for this option after your application is approved by signing into your account. You then click the edit link adjacent to the payment header.

After you fill out the bank information, Google Adsense will make a small test deposit into your account. This is for security purposes to assure the account is really your own.

Watch your account for the test deposit to post, usually within just a few days. After you have received the deposit from Google, log back in to your account and in the Payment Details section, click Verify Account.

You then will need to enter the amount of the test deposit. If you do not complete this step, your payments will be on hold. Once you enter the test deposit amount correctly, your bank will be approved and selected as your form of payment.

What Not to Do

Google Adsense is a fun and easy way to make extra money. It's important to follow the rules though, as Google is serious about the integrity of this program. Not following the rules could result in your Google Adsense account being terminated. Here are a few Don'ts for using the program:

Never, ever, ever click on your own ads.  Google Adsense makes it very clear this won't be tolerated.

Don't ask your friends and family to click on your ads.  Rather, earn money by referring them to the Google Adsense program.

Don't participate in the Google Adsense program strictly for the money. This is not a get-rich-quick scheme. It will take time and hard work to make a profit.

Don't worry if you don't understand everything the first day. Although the Google Adsense program is extremely user-friendly, it may take a little time to integrate all the facets of the program. Be patient and above all, have fun!

Hopefully, these helpful tips will ease you into using the program and help you avoid mistakes that could possibly cost you a lot of time or money.

Themed Adsense Units Can Brighten Up Your Holidays. What are Themed Ad Units? In short, they are ads that have special colors and graphics to celebrate the holidays and seasons of the year!

For example, you might see your ad with orange print with a picture of a black cat for Halloween. How about red print with a green mistletoe for Christmas?

The Themed Ad Units are specifically tailored to users in the appropriate locations as determined by their IP address. For instance, a user in the United States might see colors and graphics appropriate to the Fourth of July while users everywhere could see colors and graphics for New Years Day.

Again, it's your choice and your page. You can turn Themed Ad Units on or off by yourself. Just log in to your account, go to the My Account tab. On the Account Settings page, scroll down to the Ad Type Preferences section and click Edit.

You can now enable or disable the Themed Ad Units. Click save changes and Voila! Your selection will apply to all your Google Adsense Ads.

Summarily, AdSense makes it possible for almost anyone with a web site or blog to earn some revenue from advertising, including Realtors, without having to employ sales people or spend precious time searching for advertisers.

Lanard Perry shows Realtors how to Average 1 or More Listings a Week.  Find out how at Farming Expired Listings and Real Estate Marketing Talk.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lanard_Perry

   

What Makes Adsense Work

What does make Adsense work – there are as many ideas as there are theories. Some maintain it is the placement of the ad on the page, some say integrate it into the page and it must have the look and feel of the webpage. It should be at the top and in this format and so the secrets continue.

There is only one real secret to adsense success; it is nothing more than traffic. Without substantial traffic your adsense pages will not make you money. There is proof of this statement, just look at the click through rate that you are receiving on your current pages and you will immediately notice that it takes a lot of visitors to generate a click.

If things go really well you could have as high as a fifty percent and upwards CTR. This is possible, has been done and proven, but it won’t just happen on any old page.

Placement of the ad does play a role but it is not so big as many would like you to believe. Information on the best placement of adsense code on your page is no secret and is free information on Google. It is called a heat map and will show you exactly where to place your ads for maximum exposure and CTR.

The problem with most adsense driven sites is exactly that, they are adsense driven. Nobody nowadays seem to care about the visitor landing on the page, they have just become click machines supposed to make you money. According to most adsense sites they are there for you and not the other way around. No second thought is given to the surfing experience of the visitor.

You have been made to believe that you need a multitude of sites and use all sorts of templates and secret positioning tactics for maximum income. So every second would be adsense millionaire is putting up thousands of crappy pages all over the internet to get those adsense clicks that will elevate them to the illusive four and five figure adsense earners. They tend to forget the internet marketplace is probably the most dynamic market there is, and changes every day. Certain elements of course remain the same but you have to be able to broaden your thinking and think out of the box sometimes.

Let’s go back to the least important person for most adsense publishers, the visitor to the page. These poor souls land on your pages either through generic or PPC traffic. Either way you have the possibility that they might be clicking on one of your adsense links. The only driving force for the visitor to click your link is he found the information on your page that related to his search, and after going through your page he will click on one of your links in adsense to further his search.

Now adsense displays relevant ads on your page based on the content of the page. If the visitor is not finding what they are looking for how on earth do you expect adsense to find related content ads to place on your page.

By taking your visitor into account and actually providing for them you are also insuring for yourself that the correct adsense ads will be displaying on your pages, and hence will deliver a good CTR. Just putting up one thousand new pages with some template or other automatic page creating device will certainly not hit the mark.

You would most probably be much better off with ten well designed and optimized pages, not only for the search engines but for your visitors, and you might then really be able to ensure a profitable adsense campaign.

There will always be elements that remain a constant no matter how dynamic the market. Utilize these to their best effect, and change with the dynamics and be as profitable as you can. To get the real information visit http://www.yourenterprize.com/adwords/adwords-beating.html

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Karl_Stadler

   

Best Adsense Template Format – The Secret

Most webmasters building adsense sites often ask what is the best adsense template format? Well, this article attempts to revealed the ‘secret’ of the best adsense template format.

The best adsense template format should be simple. Forget about what these adsense gurus told you. In almost any niche you build your adsense sites, simple sites or blogs are the best.

Here’s how a simple adsense site should look like. The top part should have an header or a title, either one will do fine. Then right under the heading, insert an adlink. The important is to make sure the background color of the adlinks is the same color as your webpage.

I use a two column design for my adsense websites. Particularly, the left side is larger than the right. The left hand is about 500 pixels wide and the right about 150 pixels.

The left hand holds the content while the right side contains the navigation links.

Usually, I will place a 336x280 block right at the top of left hand side after which the content follows. The right hand will contain the navigation links. Note that my navigation links are very simple, usually just the home page link and the articles links pages.

I will also insert a 120x160 adsense block below the navigation links.

A couple of tips here, do not use too much graphics. Usually one header graphic should be enough. I also keep my navigation links short and as few as possible. I only use 2 colors for my adsense template.

As you can see, I have position my adsense blocks in the top half of my adsense template since that is what you want your visitor to see when they get to your site.

By following the guidelines I have shown you as above, you will get the best adsense template format for all your websites.

Discover the best membership site that allows everyday people to make a full time living from adsense with the full suite of content, traffic and tools available. Click here to find out more.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Ricky_Lim

   

Google Adsense OptimizationTips

If you are new to Adsense -- Google's affiliate program were you place their ads on your site and they pay you when your visitors click them -- then you may have wondered about how to maximize your income.

Here are a few tips to help you do that.

Build Sites for People

It's against the terms of service for participation in the Adsense affiliate program to create sites just for getting visitors to click your ads. If Google finds out you've been doing this, they can easily disable your account. Therefore, don't treat your site as if it's a billboard, make sure it has content your visitors have searched for and will find useful.

Provide Relevant Content

When Google realizes you have Adsense on your site, it tries it's best to match ads to the content of your site. If your page doesn't have a specific theme or worst it has words unrelated to what your pages are really about, you'll get back unrelated ads. It's unlikely your visitors will click these ads.

Choose the Right Keywords

Ads that show up on your web pages are determined by many factors, but having the right keywords everywhere, in the url, the title and the body will help Google figure out which ads to display. You may want to do some keyword research if you're not sure that the keywords you have now site wide are able to help Google display relevant ads.

Know Where to Place Ads

Ads can be placed anywhere on your site, but there are locations on a page that people glance at first and there are locations people ignore. For example, most people tend to focus their attention near the upper left corner of a web page. If you want people to see your ads, then you should place them there.

Select the Format

Adsense provides its publishers various ad formats, however for a given situation, some formats are effective while others aren't. For example, if you place the banner style ad in the header section of your page, most likely it will be ignored because people have learned that anything in that section must be an ad especially if it has the infamous 468 x 60 pixel dimensions.

Blend Ads In With Your Site

People ignore ads that look like ads. Adsense ads should not stand out but blend in with your site. You can customize the color scheme for each of the separate elements of the ad to achieve this. For example, try to match the background color of the ad to your site's color and try to match the ad's link color to your site's link color.

Include Ads on All Pages

Put Adsense on every relevant page of content on your site. SSI or server side includes will make this task easier. Work on creating more pages of relevant content for your site so you will have more opportunities to earn Adsense income.

Place Ads on All Sites

You can place Adsense ads on any site that you own. The more sites you have the more places you can have Adsense displaying and earning income. Just remember to create sites for people first and you won't have to worry about Google shutting down your account.

Generate More Traffic

Adsense income is only possible when visitors click your ads. Therefore, whichever means you can use to increase the traffic going to your site will also help give a boost to your Adsense income.

Test and Monitor

You can change many different things on your site, which may help improve your Adsense income. But you'll have to keep track of those changes so you can roll back to your previous settings if a change actually hurt your earnings.

Adsense allows you to set up channels to help you keep track of which ads are being clicked. Third party software can provide you with an even greater depth of data such as the search engines that sent you the visitors, the keywords use in their search and the ads which were displayed to them.

Final Thoughts

Whether you are new or old to Adsense, don't settle for the income you are now making. You can earn more if you take a systematic approach to improving what you do with your websites.

Copyright (c) 2006 by Leroy Chan

   

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Personal Financial Planning

  • Financial Planning For Retirement - Tips To Get A Good Financial Plan For Your Retirement

    Financial Planning For Retirement - Tips To Get A Good Financial Plan For Your Retirement
    By Tim Gorman

    What do you think is the most important investment decision you will probably ever make in your life? It is financial planning for retirement. Retirement planning is a big thing and having a proper finance for it is even more important. Here are some tips that can help you to make a proper financial plan for your retirement.

    Financial planning for retirement relies a lot on balancing risk and reward. Any investment you do will carry some element of risk and of course the higher the rate of reward the higher the element of risk will be. This risk is what investors must fight with each day. Will the money you spend pay off with you making either the same amount or more money?

    When doing financial planning there are two forms of investments you should consider. The first is your house. If you build equity in your house and pay off your mortgage you will be able to drop your monthly expenses and eventually be only paying property taxes! Americans spend about 30% of their monthly income on housing expenses so if you get rid of most of that expense you will already be able to begin saving money.

    The other form of investment is a 401(k) plan. A 401(k) plan has many different advantages for taxes and has the employer matching funds. The benefits of a 401(k) plan are to long to add into this article so you will have to go to a different article for that, but know there are many benefits.

    If you are young, in your 20s and 30s and are beginning to think about your retirement you are in a good position. When you are setting out your 401(k) allotments you should always allocate as much money as you can to force your employer to match the funds at the full rate making you the most money. You should also consider taking some risks such as stocks and mutual fund portfolios to help you make the most money you can.

    If you are older you should try to take less risks and maybe invest in bonds that will guarantee payouts over time with lower interest rates. When your young and you lose money it is only a minor setback but when your in your 50s and 60s it is a major setback that is a disaster for you.

    If you are in your 60s and are doing some retirement planning a good rule is about 70% of your retirement income should be in bonds with about 20% of that income in growth funds and the last 10% being in long range return funds.

    Financial planning for retirement is a big thing to do no matter what age and is something you should consider doing now. With these tips you should be set to get good retirement planning and financial planning done.

    Don't delay your retirement another day by not properly planning your retirement with retirement planning software and by not visiting http://www.bestretirementplanningresources.com, a retirement planning website that provides tips, advice and retirement resources to include information on retirement planning services and the extremely popular retirement blueprint

    Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Tim_Gorman
    http://EzineArticles.com/?Financial-Planning-For-Retirement---Tips-To-Get-A-Good-Financial-Plan-For-Your-Retirement&id=617027

5 Min Management Course sent in by my Buddy

  • Lesson 1:

    A man is   getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the   doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs   downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door   neighbor.

    Before   she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that   towel."

    After   thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of   Bob.

    The woman wraps back   up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she   gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was   Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

    "Great!" the husband says,   "did he say anything about the $800 he owes   me?"

    Moral of the   story:
    If you share critical information   pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a   position to prevent avoidable exposure


    Lesson 2:

    A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
    The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

    The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
    The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
    The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

    Moral of the story:
    If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.

    Lesson 3:

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

    "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."  Puff! She's gone.

    "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in  Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

    "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
    The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

    Moral of the story:
    Always let your boss have the first say.



    Lesson 4:

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

    The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story:
    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

    Lesson 5:

    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

    "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

    Moral of the story:
    Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

    Lesson 6:

    A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him.

    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Morals of the story:
    (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
    (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

    THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE